Flacs&Needles: 2013

food

It's so hard being an irregular student, emotionally. I do get by with all the physical stuffs and pressure and I'm used to working alone. I get pressured and feel bad emotionally for being an irregular student because a lot of people depend on you, with notes and stuffs. It's not that I don't want it. I love to help, but sometimes I get misunderstood. Why?

Here goes;

First, a lot of people are asking, if whether I have this, have that. If I don't have any, I feel bad for myself because I can't give what they need. Second, if I have something, I'd share it. If I'd say I'd share it they already know I'm about to share it but there are some circumstances that hinders the uploading/sharing process (like dumb internet connection therefore, upload is slow) and some people are complaining why it isn't uploaded yet or they'll say "share pod mo bi, ka hangol sag oy" ("Can anyone share? So selfish"). When I saw that comment on facebook in our certain group, I was struck like a brokenhearted one and humiliated at the same time because almost everybody knows that I was going to upload it. I've put an effort in sharing it and that's what I'd get? So, I sent a GM "Done uploading guys, sorry kaayo na dugay, hinay kaayo ang internet gud. Naikog nako ninyo, to compensate I'll upload the skull and head topic in advance based from my old resources last semester." ("Done uploading guys, sorry it took a whole, the internet's so slow. I felt shy and guilty, to compensate I'll upload the skull and head topic in advance based from my old resources last semester."). After that, when I refreshed the page, the "selfish" comment was deleted. It affects and disappoints me so much because the person who commented it was one of the most respected classmate I'd had and one of the people that I look up to based on that person's strong ambition in life. Then I already felt awkward when greeting that person because I was really hurt by what that person said. I've never been selfish and I don't want to be especially if there's someone in need.

I don't want anyone from the first takers will be like me, that's now taking the second time around in a certain subject. It's very boring to repeat the subject and a hassle you know. Knowing you should've passed it a semester ago.

From that hurtful event, I'm afraid to share notes to everyone, afraid I might fail their expectations again.

I don't intend to make an issue here. I just feel comfortable letting my feelings all out in here. I don't want to take about this issue anymore.

From now on, I guess my trust to everyone was somewhat damaged because they don't trust me at all :(

No comments

, by Unknown

diary

Why we broke up (part 1)

wrote this during my physiology class. My thoughts just kept drifting away from reality, like a jumbled mess. So i took out a pen and a pad paper and just poured it all out.

As the last of my pen’s ink is wasted on this piece of paper, I write to you again. For the very last time. You who I made my everything left me alone, waiting in the dark where it’s cold and you could hear nothing but deafening silence. When you left, you took all the light with you, along with my happiness. But that’s still not the saddest thing. Because after all that we have been through, I was never everything but just something to you: a tool, a back-up plan, a toy, a way to prove that you’re man enough. I was always, always, ALWAYS second best. And that was really unfair. It must be the butterflies in my stomach, the feelings I never failed to entertain, the way I blush, stutter and can’t think straight whenever you’re around – these things shut down that little sane voice at the back of my mind that was constantly reminding me that we are never going to work out. I should’ve known. It was too good to be true. I should’ve known. I was always happy. I should’ve known. Nothing seemed to take us away from each other. I should’ve known. You were perfect for me. I should’ve known. I was perfect for you. I should’ve known. WE WERE PERFECT. But the whole world is against perfect. Nothing can and will ever be perfect. So we failed. We failed the test, the expectations, and the markings of love. Because all you showed me, the 5 months we were together, were lies. All the sweet words, texts and actions: LIES. Yes, that’s what you are. You’re a liar. You lied to me, to everyone you know and to yourself the very moment you uttered the words “I LOVE YOU”. And the joke’s on me because I actually believed you. I hung to every letter, every side, every ANGLE of those sweet words. You made me look like a fool to the eyes of all the people I know and love. You, who once made me think that happily-ever-afters still exist in this messed up world is also the very reason why I now think it’s stupid and immature. We will never be truly happy. Yes, I am blaming you. Yes, I’m angry and pissed at you. Yes, I will never EVER forgive you for all that you’ve put me through. I loved you, to be honest. And yes, as screwed up as it may sound, I STILL DO. I still do, VERY MUCH. But you’ve moved on. You don’t care. I will always be just a part of your past. The part that didn’t and will never last. So congratulations, you broke my heart. And that’s why we broke up.