It's so hard being an irregular student, emotionally. I do get by with all the physical stuffs and pressure and I'm used to working alone. I get pressured and feel bad emotionally for being an irregular student because a lot of people depend on you, with notes and stuffs. It's not that I don't want it. I love to help, but sometimes I get misunderstood. Why?

Here goes;

First, a lot of people are asking, if whether I have this, have that. If I don't have any, I feel bad for myself because I can't give what they need. Second, if I have something, I'd share it. If I'd say I'd share it they already know I'm about to share it but there are some circumstances that hinders the uploading/sharing process (like dumb internet connection therefore, upload is slow) and some people are complaining why it isn't uploaded yet or they'll say "share pod mo bi, ka hangol sag oy" ("Can anyone share? So selfish"). When I saw that comment on facebook in our certain group, I was struck like a brokenhearted one and humiliated at the same time because almost everybody knows that I was going to upload it. I've put an effort in sharing it and that's what I'd get? So, I sent a GM "Done uploading guys, sorry kaayo na dugay, hinay kaayo ang internet gud. Naikog nako ninyo, to compensate I'll upload the skull and head topic in advance based from my old resources last semester." ("Done uploading guys, sorry it took a whole, the internet's so slow. I felt shy and guilty, to compensate I'll upload the skull and head topic in advance based from my old resources last semester."). After that, when I refreshed the page, the "selfish" comment was deleted. It affects and disappoints me so much because the person who commented it was one of the most respected classmate I'd had and one of the people that I look up to based on that person's strong ambition in life. Then I already felt awkward when greeting that person because I was really hurt by what that person said. I've never been selfish and I don't want to be especially if there's someone in need.

I don't want anyone from the first takers will be like me, that's now taking the second time around in a certain subject. It's very boring to repeat the subject and a hassle you know. Knowing you should've passed it a semester ago.

From that hurtful event, I'm afraid to share notes to everyone, afraid I might fail their expectations again.

I don't intend to make an issue here. I just feel comfortable letting my feelings all out in here. I don't want to take about this issue anymore.